Thursday, April 21, 2011

People I Can't Stand (And Possibly Hate)

Below is only a small list of the types of people I can't stand. I've omitted some of the larger demographics simply because writing about people everyone hates isn't interesting. Except hipsters, hating them is always relevant to my interests.

1.           Hipsters: I know, I dedicated a whole post to my utter disdain for hipsters and their complete misunderstanding of the term irony. But it would have been criminal to leave them out of a post dedicated to people I can't stand. I mean, they top the list. Attention wannabe-beatniks, here is a definition of irony: "An outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected." There was actually a hilariously sad (that phrase is contradictory, hipsters, not ironic...) ironic death in the news as of late: The owner of Segway died...riding a Segway. You just can't make this shit up. Sorry I digressed...Anyway, don't be a hipster. Have a real purpose in your life. And think about the future you: If you decide to stretch your earlobes and if Doc Brown's flying DeLorean worked in real life, future you would probably squander his life savings just to fly back in time and slap the stupid out of you.

"I don't even hear what you're saying right now because your face is driving me nuts."

2.          Terrible Drivers: True story: So I was on my lunch break and driving to go eat what ever rubber meat they're serving at Subway (I think today it was processed llama) when I got stuck behind this mini-van. The driver had absolutely NO clue how to operate a motor vehicle: Swerving between lanes, slamming on the breaks for no apparent reason and using the blinker to go straight. So obviously I bet myself (there was no one else in my vehicle to make a wager with) $10 that the driver was a woman. I didn't base my wager simply on the terrible driving (although it was a good indicator nonetheless), but also the fact that the vehicle was a mini-van with a bumper sticker that read "Proud Parent of an Honor Student at"...some failing public school system. Anyway, all I could think about was that the child of the driver was probably adopted because any biological descendant of this person would obviously be taking the short bus to school. As I changed lanes to pass the van, which mind you was traveling a whole 18 MPH (in a 35 MPH zone), I saw long hair in a ponytail through the backseat window. I just won ten myself. I decided to make a side bet and further the stereotype: "$5 says she's Asian" I said...aloud. I was right, there is some truth in stereotypes. And this makes perfect sense: Her child probably was an honor student and was not adopted since Asians are smart. See? Stereotypes work both ways.

I'd put it on mute; the music is almost as annoying as women drivers.

3.          Ropes Course Instructors: At first glance, it seems completely illogical to dislike someone who guides you through team building activities and attempts to thwart your fear of heights...or ropes. It really isn't what ropes course instructors do, its how they do it. Example: Ropes Course Instructor: "You can do it, it isn't that scary. I just climbed that tree and zip-lined down a canyon without batting an eyelash...and I only have one leg." Person Afraid of Heights: "Really? That's interesting. By the way, what are you afraid of? Oh, clowns...I see. How about this...I'll take Doc Brown's time machine after that dumb hipster is finished slapping the stupid out of his past self, travel back in time and drop you off at John Wanye Gacy's house. You can help him with his yard work and be his clown sidekick until you end up underneath his floorboards you arrogant prick." It's the subtle nuances I notice in these tree-hugging instructors that simply goes unnoticed by the average person.

Because this can only end well...

4.          Know-It-Alls: Going through law school, you end up seeing some of the brightest students in their respective college classes. However, along with this comes arrogance only matched by ropes course instructors. No matter what subject of the law I was studying, there was always some douchenozzle who believed he/she knew the answer to absolutely everything. I was at least smart enough to know how stupid I was; I kept my hand down, my mouth shut and either played spider solitaire on my computer or drank beers in the back of class (Note: These activities were not mutually exclusive). However, I must give these know-it-alls some credit, because they provided a few genuinely comical moments when they were wrong. And by "a few" I mean "numerous". I'm sure after the know-it-all realized what he/she said, they wished they could borrow that time machine, after the ropes course instructor is dropped off a Gacy's house of course, to go back and remind themselves of how little they really know.

(Pictured: The best possible reaction to a "know-it-all")

          Please remember that this is not an exhaustive list of the types of people I dislike. In fact this is just a tip of the iceberg (I'm pretty sure I just realized that I'm a cynic). But this is all for now. I have to go invent the Flux Capacitor in order to slap my past self before I blew up my parent's kitchen...

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

5 Astoundingly Underrated Films (By the Mainstream)

          Ok, go ahead and call me a hypocritical hipster for being "underground" about this post, but then I'll probably just tell you to get some incurable venereal disease, like herpes, and go on about my day. So the following is a group of five of my favorite movies that are either misunderstood or unnoticed masterpieces that, in reality, belong in the annals of filmmaking history. To some of you these films may be predominant in your collection. However, to most, they are simply overlooked. My list is in no particular order.


          Bruce Campbell is the greatest B movie actor this world will ever know. He somehow was able to make dreadfully awful movie premises (Bubba Hotep anyone?) enjoyable to watch. This actor's comedic badassery was discovered by Sam Raimi in the early 1970s, however it wasn't put to great use until the release of Raimi's The Evil Dead in 1981. Although I enjoyed the first of the trilogy (yes, there are three and you should watch them all), it wasn't until Evil Dead 2 (a remake of the first) that I understood Raimi's genius. Not only did Sam Raimi create a delightfully scary film but it was gut-bustingly hilarious. He actually created a whole new genre: Horror Comedy. Without Raimi we wouldn't have classics like Tremors, Shaun of the Dead or Re-animator (again, all movies you should see).


          It is seriously mind-boggling that more people haven't seen this move. Harry Lockheart (Robert Downy, Jr.) and Gay Perry (Val Kilmer) are the greatest duo next to Batman and Robin or Guinness and Ice Cream. There are very few scripts that can match the witty banter displayed in this murder mystery movie (except for the book written by Brett Halliday). A movie that can seamlessly meld a murder mystery and comedy (no, not like Scooby-Doo) without removing the viewer from the story line is a feat in its own. If you don't watch this movie you should look up the word "idiot" in the dictionary:

The best thing any narrator has ever said: "Anyway, by now you may wonder how I wound up here. Or, maybe not. Maybe you wonder how silly putty picks shit up from comic books. The point is, I don't see another goddamn narrator, so pipe down."


          This WTF revenge tale is downright disturbing, but I wouldn't want it any other way. The premise of Oldboy follows a man on his path of discovery to understand why he was imprisoned in a room for 15 years. In my opinion this is the best of Chan-Wook Park's trilogy (yes, another trilogy that you should see) and it's story development is unparalleled in modern day Hollywood...because this is't a Hollywood film, but rather it's from South Korea. I actually heard a rumor that Will Smith wanted to remake this film. I'm glad he didn't because that would just be one more great thing in a long list of things that Scientology ruined (see most of Hollywood...and Jason Lee). Oldboy can be viewed with either english dubs or english subtitles (unless you're blind or you understand Korean), but I highly suggest you watch it with subtitles. Without them, important aspects of the story line are missed if the viewer cannot read Korean. Additionally, the score is fantastic. I, for one, am a huge fan of Vivaldi. If the above didn't sell you on this movie yet: it is the only time I found it to be believable that one man with a hammer could beat up thirty other once...with a knife in his back.

"Laugh and the world laughs with you; weep, and you weep alone."


          Brett Easton Ellis: you either hate him or you love him...there is no in between. The film adaptation of his novel American Psycho could be the most quotable movie next to Dumb and Dumber. However, unlike the latter, Patrick Bateman's hilarious comments are sometimes so subtle that often one must watch the film several times to fully understand why this film is a dark-comedy heavyweight. I've seen the movie so many times that I laugh just thinking about it. Am I sick that I think a movie about a mass murdering yuppy serial killer is funny? Maybe. Actually, I'm a pretty sick individual anyway, but that has nothing to do with American Psycho. Patrick Bateman's banters about music are fantastic and his overzealous yearning to fit in is something we can all relate to. 

"When I get to Paul Allen's place, I use the keys I took from his pocket. There is a moment of sheer panic...when I realize that Paul's apartment overlooks the park and is obviously more expensive than mine. I calm myself and move into the bedroom, where I find his suitcase and start to pack."

"Paul Allen has mistaken me for this dickhead Marcus Halberstram. It seems logical because Marcus also works at P&P and in fact does the same exact thing I do and he also has a penchant for Valentino suits and Oliver Peoples glasses. Marcus and I even go to the same barber, although I have a slightly better haircut."

"Not quite blonde, are we? More of a dirty blonde."

"Don't touch the watch."

"I'm on the verge of tears by the time we arrive at Espace, since I'm positive we won't have a decent table. But we do, and relief washes over me in an awesome wave."

          I told you it was quotable...and I was just getting started. You're lucky I didn't post Patrick Bateman's voicemail to his lawyer.


          Primer is the science fact of science fiction time travel movies. Don't get me wrong, I love the Back to the Future trilogy (except for the fact that no one seems to notice that Doc Brown is a pedophile preying on an impressionable high school boy), but the math and physics behind those films just doesn't add up. In Primer, however, with a few leaps of faith, the math and physics actually pencils (not that I understand any of it anyway). The only drawback to this movie is the thing that makes the film great, it's believable premise. This also makes it incredibly difficult to follow....In the first viewing you'll feel like your brain is being raped by a bunch of giant physicocks. But like American Psycho, with Primer, the more you watch it the more you understand it. Also, this movie was made with a budget of $7000 by an engineer.

"Aaron, I can imagine no way in which this thing could be considered anywhere remotely close to safe. All I know is I spent six hours in there and I'm still alive... You still want to do it?"


          Watch these movies, at least once. You will not regret it. Well that is it for today..."I have to return some videotapes."

- LazyTheKid