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Monday, March 21, 2011

Modern Day Hipsters are no Beatniks

           I would like explain my complete and utter disdain for "hipsters". The term is a complete misnomer for this rag-tag group of indie, counter-culture, progressive douches who deem themselves cool (now they say "deck" because the term "cool" has become too mainstream). These non-conformists, who ironically happen to all dress in similar fashion, can be spotted in any urban environment, wearing skinny jeans, horn rimmed glasses, riding a ten speed road bike, listening to a band you've probably never heard of (because if you have it wouldn't be "deck") while displaying additional "vintage" clothing recently bought at American Apparel or Urban Outfitters. Apparently their goal is to look like they spent $7 on their outfit at Goodwill when in reality they shelled out $217 at some corporate store. The men and women of this subculture group tend to have the same unkempt, asymmetric hair styles. While the men usually don some form of ironic mustache to accent their already halfwitted attire, the women who can't grow mustaches usually just grow hair in other places, like their arm pits. And if they aren't drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbion out of the can, they haven't fully conformed to hipsterdom quite yet.  Oh, and they're all professional "photographers".

“This might just be the gross beer talking, but I want my muttonchops to have a baby with your mustache.”             Look at this fucking love connection.
(Pictured: Conformity)

          This effortless cool bohemian look these "forward thinkers" is anything but effortless. I'm guessing it takes the guys 20 minutes to fit into women's jeans. And I intentionally place the phrase "forward thinkers" in quotation marks to make a point: forward thinking doesn't come from the past. An entire generation actually did spawn a counter-culture, anti-materialistic literary movement with Jack Kerouac as it's personification. The real difference between the Beat Generation and these adulterated clones called "hipsters" is that the Beats actually produced something to define their generation. The words of Kerouac, Ginsberg, Burroughs and Cassady created windows into the minds of these bohemian hedonists that exemplified their era. The Beats had principles and they stuck by them. Oh, and some of them actually were professional photographers, like Robert Frank.

      
(Pictured: What "cool" actually looks like)

          Hipsters on the other hand, are the definition of ironic. Anti-materialistic group of trust-fund babies who shop at corporate clothing stores? Non-conformists who all look the same? Not understanding and misusing the term irony? Their entire existence is one big oxymoron. I'm not saying I agree with every viewpoint of the Beat generation, but I do have to respect their beatific integrity. I cannot say the same about hipsters.

“Cockring? I thought you said earring!”          Side Note: A very hipster thing to do is to put in ear gauges or ear tunnels. The purpose, or rather the effect, is that the ear lobe is stretched to fit larger and larger gauges or tunnels. And no, these hipsters were not "forward thinking" when they decided to adopt this form of body modification. Body modification, such a lip plating, has been around as far back as 8700 BC and is still practiced by a few indigenous tribes in Africa. Anyway, my personal opinion is that modern day adaptation of this practice by apathetic and short-sighted hipsters is exceptionally moronic and will inevitably lead to only one thing: regret. I have a plan set forth that will make one unlucky hipster rue the day he decided to get ear tunnels. To do this, the hipster must have tunnels, Like this guy pictured above ^

1st: Obtain a high-security padlock, preferably one that cannot be cut with conventional tools.

2nd: Find an unsuspecting hipster with ear tunnels.

3rd: Lock the high-security padlock to the hipster's ear via the ear tunnel.

4th: Run away laughing hysterically.

5th: Go make yourself a Beer Float (previous post) in celebration of your courageous feat.


  

     


- LazyTheKid

71 comments:

Esun said...

I can assure you im no Hipster! :P

glivin said...

You're right, the beatniks were way cooler( irony? )

Triper said...

Totally true. I read Kesey, Kerouac, Huxley and others books. Now there are many neo-beatniks, some of them trully comes from 60's, but tere are many new child-beatniks who smoke weed and try to looks like.. it is baaaad.
Anyway good art. Thanks :)
You can listen some psychedelic on my side.

Astronomy Pirate said...

When did they start using "deck"? Do they say "That's on deck" or "That's deck"? Because if it's "on deck" then they are stealing more stuff, this time nautical terms. Anyways, hipsters can go burn, my sister dated one for awhile, he was a total useless d-bag who whined about everything.

Irvann said...

Ah i dislike hipsters.

Patrick Holton said...

This whole ear gauges thing going on is inevitably going to end in regret.

Asty said...

I've always wanted to put a lock through a hipster's gauged out ears

BlairW said...

That padlock plan is downright evil. Me likey.

Modoki said...

agree with Triper.

MacAttack said...

I think you're making a very BROAD judgement and assuming all these sub-categories are the same.. I was with you in the first half, as these douchebags piss me off too, with their big glasses, or skinny jeans, and dressing like a girl, in boat shoes and a fucking wooly jumper etc.. but ear stretching is a very different sub-genre of fashion, and in no way categorises you to a specific section of people. I have one of my ears stretched, but if anything, I would not class myself as anything except someone into metal music, other than that I'm a fairly normal guy.. I wear cheap clothes and I don't really care about fashion. So before you have a go about Hipsters and the like, please, don't just lump everyone together. It's like old people complaining about "the youth"..

Nuker Zero said...

Bahahah. Hipsters make me laugh, even though i share some of their interests. It's just the mix of everything combined that define them...so funny.

SlowNSteady said...

A friend of mine did the padlock thing, was one of the funniest stories I've ever heard. He said the guy chased him for 3 blocks but wasn't able to catch my friend who was only jogging because the hipsters' pants were too tight! No one really knows how he got the padlock off.

Piesadamus said...

... Are you a god?

Finally, someone whose loathing of Hipsters far outweighs my own. I respect you, good sir. You most certainly are "deck". :P

amBored said...

well I don't much like them

J. Reaper said...

LMAO I love that you brought the beer floats into this. That made me laugh. Nice post. Yeah, pretty much ANYONE who likes things until they are mainstream annoys the hell out of me. I don't care if you dress a certain way because you like it, but if you do it because it's not cool...or because it's cool. I don't know how or why anyone could live like that.

FSU_Mark said...

I always want to do the paddlock ear thing

Tera said...

Eh, just the next social trend isn't it? I don't know if I hate it quite as much as "emo" but it's still pretty retarded.

Cindy said...

Bwahaha, imagine putting a lock on someones ear...they would be SSSSOOOO screwed!!!

Butcher Bradley said...

lmfao!

redblade79 said...

I don't know what to think about hipsters.

Gregasaur said...

I guess its whatever. Cool story bro :)

Crockle said...

Add a chain to the lock, would be even better.

phlegming said...

As much as hipsters hate "bros," bro dogs, whathaveyou. A common sign of a bro is a tribal tattoo. Do hipsters realize that they take part in tribal body mods too? Everyone's a bro

EmoGoth said...

The best way to deal with hipsters is to ignore them. They're just another non-conforming conformist group. Goths are more true to themselves.

Oscar said...

Best rant I've seen in a while.
+1 follower for you.

sporktar said...

Gaged ears without the ring in 'em look like buttholes.

Alex said...

I absolutely love the padlock idea. I'm definitely going to try it the next time I find someone with gaping big holes in their ear. ;)

Truculence said...

I laughed at the idea with the padlock, well played.

Totenkreuz said...

I love that lock idea. GOtta try it sometime.

AllenTesch said...

I have an eye for rants. And you sir, just had a nice rant.

Gnyrll said...

Cool moustaches :)

Alan said...

these guys are so stupid that it hurts

Patti D. said...

Very interesting post, those kids sure are lame.

Levi said...

You say true, I say thankya.

Goregrindmadness said...

damn i need those tight gay jeans haha

Gajewa469 said...

Oh god, the lock made me LOL. That would be hilarious.

Travis Hall said...

I totally use the word Hipsters too much :P

SOAD320 said...

I approve of these statements.

Troker61 said...

Good rant, I only wish I could grow a mustache... Ironically or not.

hoaks2 said...

Sweet lord, I agree SO much. If you want some fantastic Hipster viewing, I suggest going to Portland, OR. This is, as far as I'm concerned, a level 9 infestation of hipsters. God do I hate them.

Typesetter said...

I was hating on hipsters before it was cool.

Fright Vault said...

Personally, I've always held a grudge against them because they tend to not contribute anything to society...and they're proud of it. That irks me to no end.

CD-Roomba said...

i have a sister who is a total hipster, with the glaring and glorious exception that she is one of the unique people hipsters WISH they were, and aspire to be. She sets trends by accident, just by living a good life, and these morons follow the example of strong individuals like her, like little cultural cockroaches with ugly skinny jeaned stick legs.
yes.
following!

D3 Blogger said...

Omg that pic with ear tunnel makes me want to rip it off!

What's going on in the world? said...

That ear stretcher is disgusting lmao!

Anthony C said...

Thank you for the hit against hipsters. It is true, ear tunnels or spacers are not a new or trendy thing, and have been around for thousands of years. The only difference is they were never popular in Western culture, but have always been popular in African culture.

Zeek said...

PBR + American Eagles. Say no more.

PowhatanAve said...

Love the gauges

Luketh said...

padlock to the ear = ftw

Janez said...

wow that padlock really is the real deal lol

greenluigi123 said...

yes i do agree that hipsters are tw@s just looking for attention and shit, but just because some people dress like this doesn't make them a hipster as ear tunnels have been around for a while.

McGormick said...

Seems like you should stay indoors with some computergames more

Ambi said...

i read this blog before it became popular!!!
haha, i hate this ear gauges and tunnels, don't like piercings either

Kamran said...

cool

Indyskate said...

couldn't agree with you more

iKawaii said...

With padlock u'll never lose ur ear! 8D

Kevings said...

I actually saw i guy with a quite big padlock, and i really have no idea how the hell the whole thing didnt pain him half to death. And I think it was the same guy who was mentioned in a paper for having been in a fight, and of someone pulled it out; wothout opening ofc :S

Every Day said...

ohhh that padlock thing would be EVIl. LOL

The Beta Critic said...

Can't stand hipsters. Some people I know with gauges aren't hipsters though. Most are however.

Gabe Five-Thousand said...

So I live in a very special city called Portland Oregon. I don't know if you've ever been to portland but...these motherfuckers are EVERYWHERE.

I try to go buy an iPod, the whole fucking store is run by them.

I go to my favorite dive bar during happy hour, harry women hogging the bar.

I can't drive anywhere without running these little shits over on their bikes.

sigh...ok I'm done raging.

techKNOWLEDGEy said...

Man, I really love how in depth you go with your blogging. Keep it up man.

Sean said...

"Hipster" has come to regard any young person who wears clothes. The word itself has become meaningless. Just call those people assholes.

J.B. said...

Man I know what you mean, I keep seeing people like that every day.

eXo said...

I hate hipsters. gahhhh.

seamagpie said...

eugh hipsters

Eric P said...

I saw the most stereotypical hipster of all time the other day. I still laugh when I think about him. These modern guys have got nothing on the beatniks - they just wish they did.

Hot New Music Today said...

It's weird to think about how all the groups today are seen as just huge groups of conformists. Where is the true originality coming from then?

Slamcakes said...

Hipsters make me rage, who honestly thinks what they listen to and wear was a good idea?

JohnyTheBlogger said...

That padlock idea is hilarious! I dont know if i will ever have the guts to do it, but I will definitely get some padlocks just in case!

Roygbiv said...

Ughhh..surrounded.
They're slowly taking over.

DisposedCheese said...

I have now concluded that someone i know is a hipster....