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Thursday, April 21, 2011

People I Can't Stand (And Possibly Hate)

Below is only a small list of the types of people I can't stand. I've omitted some of the larger demographics simply because writing about people everyone hates isn't interesting. Except hipsters, hating them is always relevant to my interests.

1.           Hipsters: I know, I dedicated a whole post to my utter disdain for hipsters and their complete misunderstanding of the term irony. But it would have been criminal to leave them out of a post dedicated to people I can't stand. I mean, they top the list. Attention wannabe-beatniks, here is a definition of irony: "An outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected." There was actually a hilariously sad (that phrase is contradictory, hipsters, not ironic...) ironic death in the news as of late: The owner of Segway died...riding a Segway. You just can't make this shit up. Sorry I digressed...Anyway, don't be a hipster. Have a real purpose in your life. And think about the future you: If you decide to stretch your earlobes and if Doc Brown's flying DeLorean worked in real life, future you would probably squander his life savings just to fly back in time and slap the stupid out of you.

"I don't even hear what you're saying right now because your face is driving me nuts."

2.          Terrible Drivers: True story: So I was on my lunch break and driving to go eat what ever rubber meat they're serving at Subway (I think today it was processed llama) when I got stuck behind this mini-van. The driver had absolutely NO clue how to operate a motor vehicle: Swerving between lanes, slamming on the breaks for no apparent reason and using the blinker to go straight. So obviously I bet myself (there was no one else in my vehicle to make a wager with) $10 that the driver was a woman. I didn't base my wager simply on the terrible driving (although it was a good indicator nonetheless), but also the fact that the vehicle was a mini-van with a bumper sticker that read "Proud Parent of an Honor Student at"...some failing public school system. Anyway, all I could think about was that the child of the driver was probably adopted because any biological descendant of this person would obviously be taking the short bus to school. As I changed lanes to pass the van, which mind you was traveling a whole 18 MPH (in a 35 MPH zone), I saw long hair in a ponytail through the backseat window. I just won ten bucks...off myself. I decided to make a side bet and further the stereotype: "$5 says she's Asian" I said...aloud. I was right, there is some truth in stereotypes. And this makes perfect sense: Her child probably was an honor student and was not adopted since Asians are smart. See? Stereotypes work both ways.

I'd put it on mute; the music is almost as annoying as women drivers.

3.          Ropes Course Instructors: At first glance, it seems completely illogical to dislike someone who guides you through team building activities and attempts to thwart your fear of heights...or ropes. It really isn't what ropes course instructors do, its how they do it. Example: Ropes Course Instructor: "You can do it, it isn't that scary. I just climbed that tree and zip-lined down a canyon without batting an eyelash...and I only have one leg." Person Afraid of Heights: "Really? That's interesting. By the way, what are you afraid of? Oh, clowns...I see. How about this...I'll take Doc Brown's time machine after that dumb hipster is finished slapping the stupid out of his past self, travel back in time and drop you off at John Wanye Gacy's house. You can help him with his yard work and be his clown sidekick until you end up underneath his floorboards you arrogant prick." It's the subtle nuances I notice in these tree-hugging instructors that simply goes unnoticed by the average person.

Because this can only end well...

4.          Know-It-Alls: Going through law school, you end up seeing some of the brightest students in their respective college classes. However, along with this comes arrogance only matched by ropes course instructors. No matter what subject of the law I was studying, there was always some douchenozzle who believed he/she knew the answer to absolutely everything. I was at least smart enough to know how stupid I was; I kept my hand down, my mouth shut and either played spider solitaire on my computer or drank beers in the back of class (Note: These activities were not mutually exclusive). However, I must give these know-it-alls some credit, because they provided a few genuinely comical moments when they were wrong. And by "a few" I mean "numerous". I'm sure after the know-it-all realized what he/she said, they wished they could borrow that time machine, after the ropes course instructor is dropped off a Gacy's house of course, to go back and remind themselves of how little they really know.

(Pictured: The best possible reaction to a "know-it-all")

          Please remember that this is not an exhaustive list of the types of people I dislike. In fact this is just a tip of the iceberg (I'm pretty sure I just realized that I'm a cynic). But this is all for now. I have to go invent the Flux Capacitor in order to slap my past self before I blew up my parent's kitchen...

33 comments:

Astronomy Pirate said...

Never thought about the rope instructor thing, mostly because I don't have a fear of heights and love climbing on things. But the others, totally agree. Hipsters are a given.

I fail to see how young men have the highest insurance rates, I have been driving the same truck for 10 years and my two sisters have been through at least half a dozen.

And successfully making it through college, I noticed those same know-it-alls. The ones who sat in either the first or second row of the class and the one class they didn't show up, the professor would visibly be relieved that actually be able to get through his lesson with mr. smartpants having to provide his input.

AllenTesch said...

That, sir, is some quality ranting.

Patti D. said...

haha, vey nice list.

Fright Vault said...

I'm pretty sure "Terrible Drivers" counts as a group that everyone hates.

amBored said...

well I'm actually facepalming on that women driving

A Kid At Heart said...

I say Terrible drivers would be first for me.

Ambi said...

i share your hate for number1 and number2 :)

H A R R Y G O A Z said...

Happy Easter!

Slamcakes said...

You forgot guidos

=dgrphx= said...

love that banner

cyl-yoann said...

cool, but your design is not very fun !

Cpt.Leon said...

Dem hipsters.........need....an.....axe.....

Mike said...

I can't stand people who think they're the best at everything.

choikesta said...

Nice blog, following

Makel said...

I feel ya man!

Clutch Nuggets said...

Very nice rant, my friend. :D

TMH said...

Loving the rant haha, all so true.

TMH said...

Haha nice rant, all so true.

Armagedda said...

Oh god hipsters and know it alls...they are the bane of my existence.

Reggins said...

if you added women, than i would agree with everything u said.

Nom de Plume said...

That was an A+ rant, dude! :D

hoaks2 said...

I love this. I seriously would have a VERY similar list.

Scanon said...

Everytime I see horn-rims I feel like breaking the glasses first and the teeth of the person wearing them afterwards

Lesha said...

all so true!

Anthony said...

We can all agree that we hate bad drivers.

Ragnarök said...

ive never hear of a rope instructor. but the others i totally agree with.

kite1099 said...

I hate bad drivers too

Joe Clark Cinematography said...

I'm the same way. I hate Hipsters. As a young, childless professional adult, I'm sick of being gawked at here in the North West by the hipsters.

1HipHopBlog said...

I pretty much agree with all of these haha

Alexis said...

Haha I have to agree on at least a few of these!

phosports said...

omg, i hate all those people. especially hipsters

ttoti said...

I think everyone hates hipsters except themselves

Magnum said...

Finally, I'm not the only one dislikinig 'the irony'.